It is what it is ....

So here I am ... once again ... surviving the first year of losing my husband. It's definitely different this time. I'm older. I'm wiser. I know from my previous experience that I am able to survive this and that I will eventually enjoy my life again. But knowing and doing seem to be harder than I expected.

This loss also carries the burden of being the second wife. And that makes this time very different. At least for me. Jim's family has not been very kind or compassionate. None of them are local. Closest son is in northern California; the other is in North Carolina. Siblings are all in Minnesota. I understand that the seven years I had with Jim cannot be compared to the 50 he had with his first wife. I really do get that. But I've met the siblings a couple of times. First, when we made the visit specifically because Jim wanted me to meet them, and the second time was when we traveled to Minnesota for a family wedding (and that was the first time I met the other son). So I'm not a stranger. But I have had zero contact from them - except on occasion with the son who is the executor of Jim's estate. 

I do get to stay in the home Jim and I shared, and I am very grateful he wanted to do that for me. I have to pay the taxes, insurance and all household bills so it has no impact on his sons, other than delaying them being able to sell the home and get those dollars. It would have added a whole lot more emotions if I had had to search for a place to live right after Jim died. And I did get to keep our dog, Sheila, who has been a real lifeline for me.

But this has made me question myself. To believe that it must be my fault. It's my defect. I'm to blame for them not liking me. For them not appreciating how I cared for their dad/brother while he was so very ill. Not being grateful I was here for him when they were no where to be seen. Not caring at all about how I'm feeling, how I'm doing.

Now for those who are widowed who are reading this I don't want this to scare you away from ever finding love again. I do have a widowed friend who lost her second husband and she is having a completely different experience. The seven years I had with Jim are worth all of these family issues and I know I will find a way to work through them ... and get rid of those self-doubts.

I'm now 75 and I've had some health issues this year that certainly haven't helped to improve my overall attitude. But I have a difficult month coming up and knew I needed to do some things to deal with that. And hopefully these planned trips will be what I need to break out of these doldrums. 

I married Vern on August 23, 1969

I married Jim on August 25, 2021

Vern died September 22, 2010

Jim died September 26, 2025

Oooof! That's a lot to carry during those five weeks. So I've scheduled some things to happen on those important dates. 

Sheila and I will be spending that special week in August at a little beachfront apartment. Being at the ocean seemed like the perfect place for me to be on my anniversary dates. And I'll be driving there for my first road trip with Sheila ... which I hope will open the door for me to try driving to some other areas with her.

And in September I will be attending the first Camp Widow in Calgary, Canada. When I saw the dates for this event included Jim's day of passing, I knew I needed to be there. I'm arriving early to spend the day Vern died with a full day tour of  Banff.

I share posts every Tuesday on the Widow's Voice blog    https://widowsvoice.com/post/author/dwest/

And I wrote a lot in my original blog after my first loss    https://amyelomawidowsjourney.blogspot.com/

I wanted to start writing again a few years ago and added this new blog title to my Blogger profile. But life got in the way and I didn't start writing here after all. Fast forward to 2026. I'm 9 months out from being widowed a second time and my age (75 now) does seem to have a much bigger profile in my life.

I wrote the following post in 2023 but never published it. And since it serves as a pretty good introductory post I decided to start with this.

I hit 72 this year and it caused me to do some reflecting on all that has happened in the 13 years since Vern died. While that number is rather hard for me to wrap my head around, I do appreciate that he didn't have the opportunity to hit 70 or older so I do my best to embrace aging and not worry what number shows up each year.

I did a lot of new things during those first 'alone' years - many that were way outside my comfort zone. Some weren't good for me at all, but many were life changing. And all of those experiences helped me to eventually move forward into the lovely life I have now.

I started out doing a lot of cocooning, hunkering down inside my house with the shades pulled when I wasn't at work. But I knew I needed to open myself up to new experiences in order to fully live my new life and honor the years I spent with Vern.

• Took trips alone (Costa Rica, Key West, Charleston, Seattle, San Antonio, Florida Gulf Coast)
• Held Soul Restoration retreats (Folly Beach, Las Vegas, Henderson)
• Held Soul Book Gatherings in Summerlin
• Attended retreats (Brave Girls in Idaho, Wild Heart Art in Folly Beach, widow retreats in Big Bear and San Diego, HandmadeU in Nebraska, Sister Camp in Arkansas, Soul Chicks in Tahoe, Haven Place in Idaho)
• Took some classes (Soul Restoration certification, artists' offerings, Science of Happiness)
• Spent two weeks in a beautiful Oceanside condo with a widow friend
• Contributed to three Grief Diaries books
• Tried new activities (hiking, snorkeling, ziplining, yoga, painting, drawing)
• Became a Vegas Golden Knights season ticket member and watched them win the Stanley Cup in year 6!
• Attended 24 Camp Widow weekends (San Diego, Myrtle Beach, Toronto and Tampa) plus 2 virtual Camp Widows during Covid year
• And, of course, did a ton of volunteering for Soaring Spirits and my widowed community

• One of the very best things I did during this time showed up in my FB memories. I wrote about it in a blog post at the time and thoroughly enjoyed remembering my time with these special little kids. I gave Golden Knights tickets to that little boy who touched my heart and since I became FB friends with his mom I've been able to watch him grow up. He just turned 14 and is still a hockey player. http://amyelomawidowsjourney.blogspot.com/2018/05/blessings-from-little-people.html

Life changed in 2018 when I made the very unexpected decision to open myself up to dating. It wasn't easy and I made some big mistakes, but it brought Jim and Sheila into my life and that was well worth all of those hard lessons. We did so much in 2019 - 3 weeks in Okinawa, lots of little RV trips, a visit with our Pahrump friends at their summer lake home in Indiana, my 50th high school reunion, Jim meeting my family in Michigan, me meeting his family in Minnesota - and had no idea then what 2020 would bring. We weathered the pandemic year and made plans to do some traveling in 2021 ... but that didn't happen. I walked away from all of my widow volunteer duties that year and I'll admit that I struggled for a bit with feeling completely forgotten. The widowed community was a huge part of my life for over ten years, but it was definitely the right thing for me to do. I now have time to enjoy my life with Jim and can also spend time getting creative again.